we all crave connection. and those people who claim that they don't need it... well they're lying... Like this:
N-know (phonetics, get over it)
right now I don't feel connected. to anything, and more importantly to anyone. life is moving slowly and I can't even work out what to do two hours from now.
but, that's another story for another time.
today I want to write about true affection. I'm so accustomed to connecting with others through words, shared experiences and stories. but at the moment my words are failing me constantly. I can't even describe my extreme frustration at that fact, but it is what it is. I find myself awkward and sharing ridiculous anecdotes at every turn. Or silent and unable to make eye-contact. For the extrovert that I am, it is an impossibly agitating way to feel.
But I am still somehow receiving these soft and kind touches of soundless affection; an arm around my shoulder, a back scratch or tickle, foot rubs, playing with my hair, a lap to lay my head in. I have done more cuddling in the last 5 days than in the last five months combined.
because right now the words just upset me. coming out of my own or anyone else's mouth. they seem to head straight for my heart and intellectually, I know to let them in, I know to feel grateful and comforted, and so intellectually I am. but. they don't sink in the tactile way a genuine touch can.
So even though about 25% of the time I respond really poorly to these touches and someone gets an earful they don't deserve... most of the time I am infinitely grateful for the extended love that comes without words. Because I still crave connection...