Tuesday, October 26, 2010


{this is just a beautiful picture of Bridgitte Bardot that has absolutely no relevance to this post, except maybe that I wish I was still dancing}

Remember the bad thing that happened? The bad thing that I never really disclosed (read the last several posts if you're unsure what I mean)... well... it's one of those bad things that doesn't really go away unfortunately.

Most days I find myself feeling a hopeless, stuck and unable to make even the tiniest decisions (choosing what to eat for each meal sends me into an embarrassing tizzy that generally ends with me in my bed, covers over the head).

And anyone suggesting looking on the bright side or telling me I'm so strong or that I will make it through this makes me want to extend my crude vocabulary to them in a pretty package.... believe me, I understand they mean well. I really do.

but you must know... there is no bright side. and I am not strong. and there is nothing to make it through because what happened has so completely altered who i am in such an irreversible way that there will not be an end. 

please allow me that. please. 

However, here are two things worth noting for those of you losing sleep over me (side note; I wish you wouldn't)


I read an article in Yoga Journal a few weeks back about how when you're stressed, it's important to stay warm. What a strange in seemingly insignificant tip. But it works.

Could I just turn up the heat in my house? Yes. But it's not the same as being cozy in layers and foreign warmth that contrasts with the stark cold of the reality in the unaltered air.

I have been wearing patterned socks (I only mention the nature because I am so utterly in love with my many patterned socks) around the house, drinking lots of warm drinks, and sleeping with an electric heating pad in my bed. 


I took a yoga class today. From my Guru and ultimate mentor. And for a few minutes there while I shook in Navasana, I was transported back three years ago to my teacher training, and i recalled what it was like to gain strength and confidence for the first time: everything seems too hard and I felt helpless and weak and scared. That teacher training broke me down emotionally and physically in such an exposed way, nothing can compare. 

And so tonight during class, I remembered and I wanted to cry. I wanted to stop doing yoga and just lay down on my mat and cry. 

But then I remembered how that teacher training also rebuilt me at the same time. The things I experienced then molded my malleable body and soul into someone that I am sometimes quite fond of now.

19 days ago I was forcefully placed on a new life  path. One that I am unsure how to navigate, or even if I care to. 

But I have learned in my short twenty years here that life is cyclical, there is no beginning or end. So I figure... if yoga can break me and re-invent me once, perhaps it can do that again? I'm not sure. of that, or anything else really... But, I'm willing to find out. 

1 comment:

  1. Yoga might do that for you. You will really have to try to pry open that third eye though.

    Realize it is ok to be vulnerable. Honestly I think it is even better than being comfortable. Comfort only leads to complacency and becoming stale.

    Continue to thrive and grow ... whatever direction it may be. If you hesitate about the path you are on now, pick a new one that you don't need to hesitate. I'm working on that now. Trying to follow my instinct, that gut feeling.


    I recommend listening to Tool ... I learned a lot from their music. If you do probably Lateralus to start. The earlier you go, the heavier it is. Most of their songs really have to do with personal growth or questioning some normal, and disgusting, behaviors that we have.



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