Thursday, October 21, 2010

Whatever you want

have you ever been given licence from the world to do whatever you like whenever you like? Sounds ideal, right?

it's not.

because if they tell you you can do whatever you want, that means you don't know what you want. That means you're so disconnected with your body and soul that you can't even figure out which end is up. And all that really happens is you let your body wander around and your mind stays on that same one track playlist that repeats itself over and over.

I wish I had a conclusion. Or a thesis. Or even a theme for this post. But I don't.

everything I believed about my world and myself has been proved wrong.

not to worry, I'm not feeling suicidal. I'll keep living-I'm a survivor (or so they tell me), and what's the point of a survivor that dies shortly thereafter? I'm just not sure what living looks like for me anymore.

I promise to explain all this at some point when my tongue is loosed and the words start to flow again. But for now, bare with me as I try. try. try to make sense of things.

2 comments:

  1. Keep writing. You have a real talent. Yesterday I read an essay by one of my favorite authors, Milan Kundera. He wrote that good writing reveals the reader to him/herself. I think that's what some of your recent posts have done. Even though they are the personal reflections of the author(you) they cause the reader (myself at least, and I would venture to guess, others)to reconsider ourselves. Thank you.

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  2. Nadya is right about writing. For me personally, it helps me slow down enough to actually express what I mean rather than have thoughts bouncing around without ever reaching clarity (or at the very least taking much longer to form).

    I like to think of myself as an infinite container with limitless potential. I'm not afraid to try things, to break the image of myself that people around me know just to keep it. Everything is. The easiest thing to do is accept that, then start working to change. Changing yourself, how you think, how you feel, is the easiest way to change your reality, and from there you can work on changing and making a contribution to the world.

    Do what you need to do, whatever is necessary, to understand yourself. I would say for most people rules and laws are imposed to create what is acceptable for the majority. When you come to an understanding of yourself, I think morality will be there. The rules make sense how they are, but in a lot of ways just don't apply any more or they are superseded by an understanding, a greater governing body. It isn't that you are above the law, I don't mean that at all. In the same way driving in the lines is the lawful thing to do, but you certainly wouldn't stay in those lines if you are avoiding or preventing a dangerous situation. This is what I mean. The law itself is a social contract to everyone, and breaking those rules breaks the contract. Anyway ...

    In youth we feel richer for every new illusion; in maturer years, for every one we lose. -Madame Anne Sophie Swetchine, mystic (1782-1857)

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