Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Up and Down

This is really the only song you should listen to whilst reading this post as it is the only one I listened to whilst composing it.

They told me it would be up and down. and so it has been. down, up, down down down...

I went out with a friend last week and he commented to me that he knew himself and understood his motives much better than he wanted to (he was referring to some of the more base and disgusting habits we as humans have in relation to one another and also mind altering substances of any kind). The comment rang so true for myself that it planted itself much like a parasite inside the deepest corner of my mind.

It was this particular thought that nearly drove me off a ledge...realizing that all that self destructive behavior still wasn't helping. at all.

oh how I wish I was ignorant. Or had not been to years and years of various forms of therapy. Or had not read dozens of books on just such a subject. or had not dedicated so much of my time to helping others avoid such numbness. because then {enter X amount of things I can do that simply dull my awareness and pass the time too quickly} I could blissfully and even as some sort of martyr run my very small life into the ground and genuinely believe it was the right thing to do...

but I am not. I am a smart girl. Which makes it all the more self deprecating to be aware of the way I am behaving when I truly don't seem have control over it. And that is the problem...and it becomes a vicious cycle.

However, it was also this same thought that eventually got me down off that ledge and into the many hands of the many people I am going to need to rely on if I want any semblance of a life back...realizing that all this self destructive behavior still wasn't helping. at all.

maybe it's out of pure shock. or maybe it's because I spent two days last week pink sheeted with ten or so people that have real problems. but it's time to redirect my newly amplified neurotic behavior towards safer means.

I am positive that I will still be doing my fair share of numbing. It is an irresistible offer to be told that watching gossip girl, reading fashion magazines and literally inhaling movies and books by the dozen is an acceptable way to cope right now. Also... I never thought I'd be someone who approved anxiety medication, but here I sit. Happily zonked on Zanex.

But every little while I will pull out a dirty box I keep under my bed and do a little work on a big mess. I promise. And I've got a expert team of people here to help me.

p.s. Thank you all for your self care tips. They were so sincere and helpful. I can't tell you what it means to me at the moment to have a little cyber love since I am a freak when it comes to actual interaction.
p.p.s. I wish I were a more succinct writer. Grace, if you still read this, I need lessons.

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