Thursday, January 20, 2011

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I wanted to offer some explanation as to why my writing has been so weak/shallow/dumb as of late. Not because I am a slave to my audience but because this is where I sort out my own feelings towards my own behavior and I feel a need to talk it out with myself.

Reason 1: I am feeling weak.
Have you ever felt so worn that when you sit down you can actually feel it in your fingers and toes? like the way a muscle trembles after a good workout, my whole being seems to exist in that shaky state all of each day. and so... I am feeling passionately and permanently melancholy.

Reason 2: I am actually living in the real world. 
There was a considerable amount of time where my life was a bubble and my only connection to society was in these keys I punch now. I had all the time in the world to consider life, watch movies, and write; really articulate my feelings. That time has passed and I have real places to be and real things to do.

Reason 3: It is taking everything in me not to run away. 
This last reason is really the result of the first two more than anything.

In the past I've developed this little habit of bailing when things get tough. and I've developed a lengthy catalog of techniques for disguising these failed efforts as something much different.

***There are all kinds of reasons that this life I am living right now is so much harder than any other time in my life. But I think it all comes down to the fact that for once, I am not even trying to go around life. Instead, I am heading timidly, and perhaps with some blind faith, straight through it.

and it takes my constant attention, fervent self pep talks, and virtually every other faculty I possess not to quit. 


I've got this hope-no, this faith- that it will be worth the effort.
However, every time I find myself alone all I can think about with a furrowed brow is how much I need a good hug and no words....











2 comments:

  1. I will have to hug you through words due to my distance but I love you. I loved being around you over the break and next time I am in Utah we'll make our own "refreshers" and watch a cheesy dance flick like step up step up 2 step up3 or all three of them at once

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  2. You are exquisite. I think we should start studying together, or something.

    ReplyDelete

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