Monday, January 3, 2011

disassociation

whoa. one day into my new life of being a real person with real things to do and I spent the whole thing completely outside of my body.

there is this thing called disassociation that is meant to act as a coping mechanism for humans. I've been in and out of a disassociated state the past few months for obvious reasons. In fact, I think I spent the entire first month outside of my body. Because at that time, and still at times now, it hurts to be there, really really bad. And so I use necessary means to spend time out of touch with myself. Luckily since then I've learned some much more healthy ways to do so.

when it came time to actually face myself on my yoga mat it felt harder than it's felt in so long. My mind wandered, my body ached, and my breath felt choppy. I just couldn't get it right, I couldn't get to that place that makes yoga so worthwhile.

I should know better than to say something like 'I just couldn't get it right' because I am constantly telling my students that there is no wrong and right in yoga. You come to the mat and your breathe takes you where you need to go.

So near the end of class I got there. I got to the place where I was in-touch. I was in my body. I was aware. And suddenly I realized how much I hurt, in all the ways you can use that word. I started skipping poses, hiding in child's pose, and even at one point simply sitting and slumping my heart into my body.

And here's the shameful part: I got up and left class early, unable to be there with myself any longer. I should have sat it out.. But that may have meant crying in the middle of class, and maybe it was too hard for me to admit to the people around me that I'm still not whole. They would have understood, they would not have judged; one of the many perks of being part of a yoga community.

But I couldn't do it. I couldn't be with my pain. Sit with my pain. Face it head on. My pride made it so that instead, I fled. and even after fleeing, I smiled through a night that was so great in many ways. However, I probably should have gotten back to myself. But behold, the coward Kelsey resurfaces.

Since then I've been trying to reason with myself. Remind myself that this is all a time thing, and not much of that has passed. Trying to remind myself that there will still be ups and downs. And that it's OK for me to spend time out of my body sometimes as that's a coping mechanism that we as humans are granted, and I am still very much coping.

So I'll finish the day half convinced of a yogic idea called non-judgement.
because  after all: this is who I am today.

2 comments:

  1. kelsey you are amazing. sometimes i run. and hide. and the next day. it doesn't really matter. because i feel stronger.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hello darling. This is beautiful, because it is real. I've been thinking about you all day I'll hopefully see at the next poetry reading if not sooner. Love you lady :)

    ReplyDelete

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