Saturday, January 29, 2011

Symptoms

I haven't written here much this week. I looked at my blog a lot. I thought about my blog a lot. I even got the first witty line of a few posts stuck in my mind. I guess all the things I may have written about had potential of overcoming me, should I allow them to see the light of day or this white screen. And I simply didn't have time or energy to give them the lip service they deserved.

But then I got up too early this morning and slept for too many hours this afternoon and now I'm ready to write...

today I want to write about two new habits I've developed and why. I don't have good explanations really, or any kind of profound realization from them. I just wanted to follow form and continue documenting my experiences of all kinds, because it needs to be said, and I need to say it.

1.
I've begun rocking myself to sleep. as in, gently twitching or shaking one leg or foot to keep my body in motion so that I can calm down enough to fall asleep. kinda weird... but I'm betting some of you do that too. you see, even after nearly 4 months of discovering my new reality, sleep is still feeling like one of the things I'm never going to do the same again.

it's not really the lack of it that's got me down. I plan for 7-8 hours nightly and generally get it all. :)

however, the content of my dreams while I sleep has changed. like always, I will spare you any kind of graphic detail... instead I'll simply state that things in my dreams are unlike anything there before, and waking up in the morning is getting harder and harder to do.

because that is when I have to square what I just dreamed with my new reality and sort it all out.

2.
This one's a bit harder for me admit. So I'll start by painting a picture of the things I never used to do.

I never used to heed my loving father's advice about things like buying mace or a whistle for my keys.

I never used to think much about walking to my car alone at night, or jogging alone up the canyon.

I never used to need to check the entire house if I discovered the front door unlocked or the garage door left open.

I never used to do a double take to any man with a salt and pepper beard who dresses scroungy. oh, the profiling I'm facilitating...

What I'm trying to illustrate here is the new way my mind works and how frustrated I find myself with that fact. besides the mace and whistle (sorry dadio, still not going to happen, but I love you!) these are all very new and unfamiliar things in my life that are really not welcome. 

I've got it all straight in my mind. The what-ifs and how it should affect my life, and so it doesn't affect my life, not much anyway. I still walk to my car alone sometimes at night and the like, because I refuse to change things like that out of fear... but I wanted to admit the fear is there. I am told it won't always be, not the way it is now anyway. 

but I am OK. I will continue learning my 'new normal' as my therapist calls it. because he understands this oh so well. and I will do my best to continue seeing this event as the cathartic event of my lifetime. 


One last story to end on a bit of a positive note:

two weeks ago I went to get gas and saw a man, a man that looked remarkably like another man...
trembling, I parked my car across the gas pumps from him, got out of my car and walked straight for him, with what I'm sure can only be described as the bewildered look of the century on my face.
I walked in disbelief with my mouth hanging half open until I was far too close to him for people that do not know each other at a gas station. he looked at me with a confused furrowed brow and said 'hi'.

It was not him.
but there I was, standing stupidly with keys and wallet in each hand, staring.
I quickly filled my tank and drove home to cry on my mothers shoulder for nearly an hour.
(this is the explicit version of part of this post). 

But here's what that experience gave me: a reminder that I am still in the midst of this, and more importantly, a reminder that even so, I can handle it. Because after crying for an hour, I dried my eyes and did my homework. because I had homework, and I was not about to fall apart and ruin my life all over again at an obstacle clearly placed very precisely in my path for a specific reason ( and I do have my speculations as to that reason, but more on that another day...) 


p.s. this blog has stuck me with lazy and informal writing habits/Chicago formatting is hard. :(

p.p.s. I am feeling OK about my 'new normal'. 


2 comments:

  1. Kels, for most of my life I would sleep on my stomache and swing one of my legs back and forth on the sheets, I guess that rocked me to sleep but now I sleep on my back so I can't do it anymore but I would still say its normal:) love you

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  2. i love you kelsey! and if it mades you feel any better, i have always been paranoid about the dark and someone or something getting me. walking at night. etc. so i try i think of it as cautious when i notice nobody else worrying about locking the door. oh well. you are so amazing!

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