Saturday, February 26, 2011

the hardest thing in life

I spend a lot of time trying to sort things out; put them in neat piles and categories. I like to be able to summarize myself or my current state in a single sentence. Because I am a dramatic speaker that likes to put emphasis on most of what she's saying, I call things the "most" whatever or the "biggest" whatever all the time.

Tonight, in the epitome of emotional frustration, I found a way to verbalize the hardest thing I know about in life. and I really mean it is the hardest, because it encompasses so well all the other things that find their way into my "unsolvable problems" column, the one I try to ignore because unfinished issues make me so anxious. Alright, enough preamble... you ready?

The hardest thing in life is when you realize how little control you really have over any of it. over anyone. over circumstance. over mortal life. 

I know that the "successful" people in life want to tell you all about how to "make it happen". and I am not discounting that, nor validating a lazy life. It's just... when it comes down it... you can't "make it happen"... not really.

This whole agency thing makes for too much error and variability. Our human ego's and tempers make for too many hot headed explosions, or on the flip side, quiet rage and regret that eats at the soul.

So what happens when you hit that wall and something inside you just says "you can't fix this.", what then? Well I think I might have an answer for those times too, or at least a partial one (I know, I'm full of wisdom tonight).

Faith.


in something. or in someone.

I'll tell you frankly that I find mine is God and His Son, but feel free to insert wherever you find yours instead as we're all on our own personal journey.

Tonight a 20 minute conversation filled my body with most every emotion. I was saying all the wrong things, and my motives were probably polluted. I lost my temper, I condescended, I did all the things that just don't help. Then, I said a silent prayer for a new voice. and the conversation continued on in it's idiotic circles with one change; more peace, a little more love.

Yet I left unsatisfied and trembling, teary eyed and confused, sad and hurting.

And on the quiet drive home the thought came to me that no matter how calmly and rationally I form my words and no matter how many times I try to forget a rainy day, there are certain realities of these things that I can't change.

And so what I do, or try to do (since I will not pretend that I remember this stuff on the daily), is release all this, all this frustration and hurt, I look up and I release it. Some of you may know this but I want to introduce the rest of you to something called the serenity prayer. It goes like this.

God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

2 comments:

  1. Surrendering control is the hardest thing for me to do. I'm really not good at it. I'm pretty stubborn. I really liked this post. It's nice to know other people struggle with the same things.

    ReplyDelete

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