Tuesday, February 22, 2011

I'm back on it

Life that is... or a horse if that's how you'd like to put it... The last few weeks have been a bit touch and go... you  may have noticed the pattern: 1 manic post, 1 depressed post, 1 happy post, 3 unhappy ones... something along those lines.

It has not been a fun way to live.

So I'm refocusing my efforts and life habits to find a steady and helpful pace.

believe you me, I am not under any misconception that simply because I say this there will not be up and downs... In fact, I got a call yesterday from a friend I don't hear from so often. She had heard what's happening in my life and wanted to offer support. She is dealing with some different, but equally horrific trials. She told me she still has days she doesn't really want to get out of bed; it is always nice to know you're not the only one.

and perhaps the mania can be explained in this way; when I get a little taste of  normalcy, or minor joy and comfort in life, it is much more a celebration than ever before. Once you've seen hell, mortal life seems preferable and even wonderful.

I guess the difference now will be my efforts to find that middle ground to travel down, versus allowing what I cannot control to control me.

all I'm really trying to say is... I'm going to start drinking tea again, and reading literature from tangible pages again, and spending time alone meditating again, and turning my phone off sometimes, and existing in quiet spaces more often.

my ginger yogi tea this morning came with this quote on it, "you only give when you love". 


what wisdom in those little tabs sometimes...

I'll end with two things I want to say to all of you (by all of you, I mean my readership as well as the collective you that doesn't read this but is in my life anyway)...

~Sorry, for all the times I scared you and all the times that even writing here didn't quite help me work out my inner turmoil. Because I know from the phone calls and texts after those posts that end with such a lack of a definitive answer or calmness or even conclusion, that I can really get you guys worried.

~Thank you, for you all the love you sent and continue to send me. I feel it most days and it's a big part of the reason I believe that I will be OK. (and someday when I'm more stable I will repay you all, with cookies or something... ;) ha) 

5 comments:

  1. i just wanted to tell you how darling i think you are!

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  2. I too, think you are darling!! I'm hoping the very best for you! You deserve it :)

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  3. I have to make myself get out of bed every day, and I don't always win that fight. You are a lovely person, and you don't need to be okay for anyone but yourself. I'm crazy manic these days, but I second your idea of literature. I've forced myself to read a fiction book and a nonfiction book a week for the past few weeks, and it's actually helping me focus and stay calm. I'm realizing that I need to go to square one of who I am in order to repair everything else. If tea and yoga and books and silence are a part of your square one, then I think that's a really great idea.

    I know we're not the sort of friends who actively hang out all the time, but I feel like we're tied by our current situations, and I think of you constantly, hoping that you're remembering how wonderful you are.

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  4. Keep writing and keep venting to friends. I am sure you have already found that those who can't handle the venting will avoid you which means they werent really friends in the first place. The rest of us are here girl whenever you need us.

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