Wednesday, February 16, 2011

ineptitude

I'd like a vote on this one....

does 20 seem a little old to still be breaking out?

does 20 seem a little old to still be experiencing quite severe self doubt and mood swings?

.....i'm sitting on the bottom floor of the atrium in the Harold B Lee libarary. It's probably my favorite spot on campus; it's the perfect mixture of quiet and commotion, hot and cold air, artificial and natural light, people watching and no distractions. it's slowly getting darker and there are maybe five other ways I could be spending this time that would serve me and the rest of the world so much better...

but here I sit. on the verge of tears. wondering if I'm ever going to feel whole again. wondering how much of my inability to perform can reasonably be blamed on what happened to me? and I'm chastising myself because I ditched school today. for no reason other than I wasn't sure I could sit next to all those other normal people.

I've got somewhere to be in 10 minutes, but i'm sitting in thick and paralyzing fear as it gets darker outside and colder inside... because... when I leave here.... I won't know where to go. and I won't know what to do with myself.

and for once. writing about it isn't helping. it's simply exposing just how not together I am. and forcing me to question whether I am really as strong as everyone keeps assuring me I am.

and if you asked me what was wrong, I probably couldn't give you a real answer? Maybe a poorly constructed array of things that seem to be contributing... but I could not give you a worthy or concrete answer...

I could tell you about my perma headache that has taken up residence in my brain for the last month, and a handful of other petty physical issues.
I could tell you about my intense urge to throw a pen at the next person to walk by wearing vans or toms. or my even more intense urge to lay on the dirty ground and never get up.

but it all seems silly and unworthy of even a whiny blog post when written down that way. I think instead I will turn off my phone and computer (i.e. my life) and start wandering... see where my feet take me...

4 comments:

  1. Love you Kelsey...Oh and by the way...I don't own any vans.

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  2. Kelsey, you inspire me! And I have spent the last 3 hours reading your entire blog.

    My answer to you questions: I'm 27 and still breakout with regularity and still have severe self doubt and just ask my husband about the mood swings.

    And I don't own vans.

    ReplyDelete
  3. oh this post just made my day! just like we discussed the other day, why am i still breaking out?!?! im 24 for heavens sake! give a girl a break! I also would like to throw a pen at the next person who comes in with a euro mullet and/or steps.

    ReplyDelete

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