Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Recovery update

I wanted to offer an update on my recovery process. partly because I know many of read this out of sheer curiosity into what happened, but more because this last week has been a bit of a set back in what I have begun taking for granted, that is my slow-but-steady upward movement.

My thoughts about it alternate pretty drastically between "it's been 4 whole months!" and "it has only been 4 months..." opposite ends of the spectrum really. Sometimes I feel on top of life and headed in a great direction, I feel in control and motivated and sure it's all going to be OK, that I am going to be OK. Other times I am consumed by fear; fear of failure, fear of leaving my house, fear of the 'damage done'.

My health care professionals (a team I've discussed at length here before) have me doing a lot of different things, from self care to therapy to prescription rehab to focused spiritual realization and service. It's all good, and I truly believe it all has a place in finding my way to my 'new normal'. Might I add a side note of incredulous amazement at the girls without the resources I have who are able to live after something like this? Stronger souls I suppose...

Anyway, between following doctors orders and the stresses of normal life, last week I had an extreme chemical/hormonal/emotional mix-up come to a head.... soooooo frustrating, especially when my day to day life is comparably so much simpler than it's been at any other time.

So today I spent all day straightening out medications and emotions and awful dreams.... because this manic/depressive state I've been jumping in between is not so conducive to the way I'd like to live.

Would you allow me a yoga analogy? It's the same one my therapist coerced out of me whilst I sobbed, head between my knees, today in his office. He's a smart man, and I recognized the parallel before I'd even finished speaking.

He asked me what I do when I'm teaching a yoga class and I can see that someone is really struggling through a pose, particularly a balance oriented one. He wanted to know what advice I would give a person like that to help them through it. Easy question for any yoga instructor...

I explained through tears and quick breaths that usually when someone is really struggling, you can actually feel their personal discouragement. Often they will be sighing and have a disappointed look on their face. They will be wobbling and falling out of things and expressing clear frustration with that. Sometime because it's a pose they've been able to do in the past and other times because they believe they should be able to do it now. Either way, it's the pride and attempts at pushing through it that have got them stumped...

I then went on to say I like to go next to them, urge them out of the pose or to a simpler version of it, where they can essentially step back and find their breath and center themselves once again. Then I will match their breath, loud enough that they can hear, and help guide them as deep into it as their body will allow for that specific day. I will then use words to encourage them to breathe deeper, move slower and be more patience with themselves. Because after all, there are too many variable to expect certain things out of yourself in any given practice. Balance, flexibility, and strength all vary day to day, month to month, year to year, depending on what's going on in all areas of your life.

Part way through my even more thorough description of assisting a struggling student I had stopped my pitiful sobbing at what feels like my out-of-control life and admitted I saw why he had asked me this.

I have been wobbly all week, and I needed to step back find my breath and center and ask someone to help guide me back into the things of life. It was perhaps the pride of "it has been 4 whole months" that's got me thinking I'm past the effects of what happened...

After that session I decided to take the day off. of life. I've re-inhabited the couch I called home for a few wretched months there, and after I finish this extremely therapeutic blog post I will turn on an uplifting chick flick. I'll eat healthfully all day and later I'll hit a yoga class with my favorite teacher. Then tomorrow I'll proceed... But I will slow down to a more optimal speed (even though it is so much slower than any speed I've ever gone before).

Because, "it has only been 4 months"....


  1. Kelsey - A day off from life sounds like an excellent idea. Enjoy it! I'm glad to know you're in good hands and getting the love and support you need. Call me if you need anything, ESPECIALLY if you want someone to watch chick flicks with! :)

  2. you're the bomb.com. look for the tender mercies and keep taking it one step at a time.

  3. Can I just tell you that you inspire me everyday of my life? Kelsey, you are so amazing. Thank you for being you. I love you so much!


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