Sunday, March 6, 2011

fear

I am and always have been very much my own woman. I have done what I want, even when it was destructive. I have worn my hair how I want, even when I knew on some level how stupid it looks to have diagonally cut bangs. I have dressed how I want, from boys band t-shirts to mixed matched clothes; it's always been my own choice... just a few examples of me fully embracing my free agency.

and I've always embraced that agency fearlessly.

for example: this time last year I quit 4 jobs, dropped 13 credits, packed up my life into 5 boxes and 2 suitcases and moved across the world to Morocco to teach yoga to surfers all by myself.

so why then, are the things I do every day here, in happy valley, some of the hardest and scariest in my life?

I suppose I could delve into the depths of my psyche for an answer to that or create a list of reasons my life is 'hard'. but because I tire easily these days I think I'll make it simple.

I'm scared now because in all my fearless and outlandish escapades across continents and social groups and experimentations I was essentially and successfully side-stepping all the scariest things...


like acting my own age.

so now, I live in my parents basement, I attend university and I even work there with other students. I am involved in a singles ward full of people a lot like me too. I date people my own age-ish and have friends that squirm at a curse word.

sounds pretty safe and simple and nice, right?

well not for me....let me tell you, every day of this stuff is scarier than anytime I did something dangerous or nuts. and every day of this stuff takes more courage than any bold move across continents. and everyday of these people is newer and more astounding than any of my foreign or older friends.

the moral of this post?
I have no idea....
I just needed to talk/write about the irony of each experience in my seemingly innocuous position being so scary!




2 comments:

  1. i really think that it has something to do with nobody knowing you. you feel like you can create anything because nobody knows a thing about your past. but i think when i am in my home surroundings especially with all the social aspect of living in happy valley i let my past inhibit my future instead of usher it in. and then i get frustrated with myself. and we all knows what happens with that. ha

    ReplyDelete
  2. you left out wearing viva la bam t-shirts. haha

    ReplyDelete

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