today is the six month marker of a rainy Thursday not unlike this one when just such an event occurred... I went for a run and my life changed. I was attacked and raped by a man I didn't know not one mile from my home in the Happy Valley.
today, as the thick rain pelted my windshield, I was transported back those six months to the back seat of that police car. where I sat, held in the arms of the warmest stretch of maternal arms, completely oblivious that my ipod still sat in my lap playing on and on that happy running playlist. staring. at the same type of heavy rain as it pounded the windshield.
I guess I'd call those first few hours/days the shocked state. you never really know how you will react to something like that until you're right there. in it. even if you think you do. you are wrong.
I had my own ideas about what I'd do if placed in such a situation. I was wrong.
in these last 6 months I have existed on both ends of pretty much every spectrum I know about. from drunk on a rooftop to weeping during an inspired priesthood blessing. from days in the psyche ward, to days in church meetings. from starving myself to binging on cheetos. from the inability to sleep at all for fear of dreaming to a damn near narcoleptic state of rest and rejuvenation. from swearing off men to... well....you get the idea...
so today is a victory. in fact, it may be the victory of my lifetime. because after all that. I am still alive. and I didn't always think that I would be today.
this weekend is this big party I've been talking about for a month now. yes, it's a celebration of my turning 21 (yesterday). but more than that, it is a celebration of the fact that I have made it this far.
and that after living in all those bizarre places I mentioned above, I am finally learning where the middle ground is and how to travel on it.
time heals. life teaches. and i'm figuring out what it means to be OK and more importantly, what it means to be OK being me.
Here's the best part of all this.
Here is the first thing I wrote here after it happened. at the end I say "Because something bad happened and somehow it means I have been sent love from all directions."
that continues to hold true. at no other time in my life have I felt so loved and close to so many people as these past 6 months. and I'm thankful for that. it may be the biggest contributor to today, my day of victory.