Thursday, April 14, 2011

I've fallen in love more times than I can count

there was lip ring, hairy legs, and the thumb. there was poetry boy, mountain man, the republican and briefcase boy. There was the Frenchman and the English Jack Sparrow. California boy and ward boy and the boy I predicted as my future husband one night a few pills into a bottle of narcotics. there was the hair dresser and several climber boys. and a few special ones that never got nicknames but instead were always referred to by first and last name. and we can't forget Zachary Foy, the dashing young doctor to hold my hand during one late night cyst burst.

I wanted to love them all.

but now. years after most of the afore mentioned. it's 3 AM. and I find myself wondering if it will ever happen to me for real. and i find myself feeling seriously scared to talk about that wonder.

On this blog you will find my soul, some profanity, and a boatload of half-ass attempts at introspection and even humor. but this is the first time you will find this. this very blunt and vulnerable fear.

a fear centered around a worry. a fear centered around insecurity and instability. a fear so irrational and ridiculous, particularly for a 21 yr old, that I am actually quite embarrassed to be admitting how deep this fear is actually rooted in me.

But here is what I know about fear. You have to bring it out into the open. 

that's why I've so thoroughly documented these last 6 months. because they have been scary and I feel scared a lot of the time. scared about what happened, about it happening again, about how often it does happen. but more scared about what it means for me. scared of if I can really become whole again. or be who i was again.

and writing about all that somehow makes it better. makes it softer. makes it exist less inside of me and more in an electronic catalog. to look up again if I forget.

so here's my fear. my deep dark fear that I am pouring out into cyber space in the middle of the night.

will anyone be able to love me? 

don't bother answering my dears. I've got a sneaking suspicion you each want to or have wanted to know the same thing at some point.


  1. Kenzie worries about that too even though nothing bad happened to her. You two can worry about that together. now get some sleep!

  2. You're right, everybody worries about that, but you can get everything you want even if you've had bad things happen to you. And when you find everything you want, it'll be hard to cope with too (even if the world tells you it's supposed to be great). But hey, if it can happen to me and I can figure it out (bit by bit), it can happen to anybody.

  3. Yes. You will be loved. I don't know when and I don't know how, but I'm on my way to maybe being loved by somebody and it's magical and wonderful - mostly because it came from nowhere. That said...I had a dream last night about all of the demons I fight, and in my dream this boy left me behind because he discovered them. I know how scary it can be, but it will happen.

    And I won't say the whole, omg you're only 21 get over it speech, because I get it.


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