Wednesday, May 11, 2011


I want to talk about it.
I want to talk about it because it's been a part of my life in a really socially unacceptable way for the last few years and also because it's been a part of my life in much sneakier and socially acceptable ways for... well forever.

I'll define it the way I understand it so that we're all on the same page:

an addiction is a compulsion. any type of compulsion you do in order to stay outside yourself. 

some common and more obvious presentations may be substance abuse, over or under eating, over sexing, over shopping, etc. (insert your "drug of choice")  these are pretty easy to categorize and point out. these are socially unacceptable, even unlawful at times.

some less obvious but perhaps more common presentations may be over zealous contributions to school, church or state, meticulous housekeeping (or the opposite), over exercising, too much television or internet time, etc. (insert your "drug of choice")

see what I mean? it's much more acceptable to have a strikingly clean house and be disarmingly competitive in school than to be an alcoholic. but while that might be true, the two actually exist in the same vein.. So while some will destroy your life in more visible ways... i do believe quite strongly that ranking some as "better" and some as "worse" is wrong.

did i offend or surprise you? probably... keep reading.

so why, then, do we do it? why do we act compulsively and sometimes so destructively? hmm... hell if i know, i'm new at this attempt at "living a conscious life" thing...ha. kidding...

i can probably safely and loosely answer by saying that it's a coping mechanism of sorts. for coping with the things of life. and different things of life come each of our ways. and that can probably account for the variation in behavior. but more on this another time because i'm no expert.

I'll save myself a public admittance for the moment by not pointing out which behaviors I lean towards and instead just tell you that I do lean towards several. particularly in times of crisis. 

and due to these leanings, I often find myself in a shaky place. it's a place where I live outside myself, with no real knowledge of what I need or even want. it's a place where I feel nuts. it's the place i live when i make those questionable decisions that seem so ridiculous in hindsight.

I've found a few tricks for reconnecting with myself. ways to remember who I believe I am. ways to get back inside my body, however painful existing there may be. but I'm still at the very beginning of what will likely be a lifetime journey. the point is... I've begun my journey and i'm so thankful to the undesirable course of events that have brought me to a level of consciousness to even begin.

the first step in any type of recovery program (grieving, 12 step, etc.) is admitting there is a problem. so maybe this is my public admittance that I have a problem. maybe you don't have a problem... but if that were true, you probably wouldn't still be reading this post.

goodbye for now. more hopeful insights on this topic to come, there are many reasons to be hopeful, but for the moment, i'm just trying to start the conversation.

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