Friday, May 6, 2011

the balancing act. or. why I'm always falling.

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to go to ten different doctors with ten different forms of therapy. I don't want to have to ask for my medication. or better yet, I don't want to be taking any medication. I don't want to get a glance of pity or a pat on the back for strength. 

I just want to be a normal 21 yr old girl (please don't patronize me by thinking something along the lines of "no one is normal"... it's just annoying)

I keep thinking that I'm finished, and the work is over. but I am not. and it is not.

They say recovering from a trespassing like the one I went through is all about regaining control

I absolutely hate this idea. 

control is an illusion, and the more you hold onto it as an idea, the harder life will be. 

here's the thing: bad things happen to good people. bad things happen to careful people. bad things happen to all people. and you will be swimming up a stream your whole life trying to change or control that. 

I didn't have the power to control what happened to me. and I don't have the power to control what happens to me in the future. but I've got something better that makes life more bearable. 

faith

faith in karma and faith in a plan. faith in goodness and learning. faith in perseverance and endurance.  

I've been working lately on finding balance in life. i'm not so good at it. I tend to go full force into whatever I'm doing and then back off in an equally aggressive way. maybe it's my age, or maybe it's my nature. hopefully someday that kind of fire will get me somewhere I can do some good.

but at the moment, i think it's making me sick.




3 comments:

  1. " I tend to go full force into whatever I'm doing and then back off in an equally aggressive way."

    This is just what I do! What makes you a good writer is that your work functions as both window (giving readers a glimpse outside of themselves, into YOUR experiences) as well as a mirror (reflecting readers' experiences). That's quite a gift. :)

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  2. It won't be finished for a long time. I hate to be the downer, but in my experience with assault, it lasts a really long time, but as time passes, it becomes more easily compartmentalized, so you can stop and acknowledge that your reactions are based in the trauma and not in the current situation. Or at least, that's what I've found. It never goes away but with time, you do get stronger and more powerful.

    I just wish you'd allow yourself time to heal without putting yourself down for needing it. Take care of you, you know? Whatever it takes and however long it takes.

    (Sorry if that doesn't help at all, but I felt I had to say something.)

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  3. My strategy in life, something I've realized fairly recently, is that a lot of my choices are made with an idea of stability.

    Develop enough experience and knowledge to handle every task that might be thrown at me. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. I guess really this develops a huge foundation for stability.

    The second part is live my life in a simple way. This promotes it with routine and comfort.

    As an analogy, my driving. In places I feel comfortable and drive frequently, I usually push myself and my car to learn new things ... the situations aren't familiar necessarily and I'm by no means am I an expert. I do it to experience it, to learn something new, and hopefully fall back on that experience if I need to in the future.

    The other thing I realized is that my container has an infinite size and is shapeless. I'm free to do with my body, mind, and soul as I please. As I learn and grow, I'm still myself, even though I've changed from that previous person.

    This leads me to the three pillars of my spirituality. No doubt inspired heavily by Christianity.

    Death and rebirth:
    Every day, year ... every new experience we have the choice to let that old person die and be reborn someone new. There isn't a lot of reason to cling to making a decision one way unless it makes sense at the time

    Regrowth/Regeneration
    After that rebirth, regrow ... but only regrow the parts that are strong and promoting new growth.

    Formlessness
    Understand that everything we do constrains us in some way, but that shouldn't hinder us in the future. Grow in every direction, make choices in new ways where it makes sense. Like the river in Siddhartha. It is constantly flowing, constantly changing in shape and in intensity, grows from before it, and grows bigger at the end when it becomes connected to something larger ... only for it to restart the cycle again.

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