I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to go to ten different doctors with ten different forms of therapy. I don't want to have to ask for my medication. or better yet, I don't want to be taking any medication. I don't want to get a glance of pity or a pat on the back for strength.
I just want to be a normal 21 yr old girl (please don't patronize me by thinking something along the lines of "no one is normal"... it's just annoying)
I keep thinking that I'm finished, and the work is over. but I am not. and it is not.
They say recovering from a trespassing like the one I went through is all about regaining control.
I absolutely hate this idea.
control is an illusion, and the more you hold onto it as an idea, the harder life will be.
here's the thing: bad things happen to good people. bad things happen to careful people. bad things happen to all people. and you will be swimming up a stream your whole life trying to change or control that.
I didn't have the power to control what happened to me. and I don't have the power to control what happens to me in the future. but I've got something better that makes life more bearable.
faith in karma and faith in a plan. faith in goodness and learning. faith in perseverance and endurance.
I've been working lately on finding balance in life. i'm not so good at it. I tend to go full force into whatever I'm doing and then back off in an equally aggressive way. maybe it's my age, or maybe it's my nature. hopefully someday that kind of fire will get me somewhere I can do some good.
but at the moment, i think it's making me sick.