Monday, May 23, 2011

a bit of honesty

I've been avoiding this post, but as I have committed to documenting things thoroughly and also because writing here is so therapeutic, here it is: a bit of honesty from some uninhibited writing on a sunny Washington DC day:

i'm scared. really scared. so scared that I just spent 8 hours in my hotel room mustering up the confidence to get on the metro and see some amazing things. so scared that i believe without sunglasses strange people will somehow read the fear in my eyes and attack. i've always believed you get what you put out there. i worry that what i put out there is permission to be taken advantage of.

thus. i spent 8 hours hiding today.
i used to be brave. i used to be fearless. i used to be independent to a fault.
as things have settled down around me i've been digging myself deeper into a depression that sings a black song of 'i can't' into a protected space in my mind.
i can't travel alone. i can't love anyone right. i can't be forgiven. i can't be healed.

but i imagine some self doubt and mild fear is normal for a 21 yr old girl tryin' to make her way in a lonely world (haha). but i can't seem to come to terms with how much of all that has always lived inside of me. and how much of it was placed there on an ill-fated rainy afternoon.

(as hilarious post-script, i also have written in my journal some very heated arguments for why i will never participate in activities that require me to travel in a group with matching t-shirts. and also why i think it's dumb that the Washington monument seems to be nothing more than a phallic power symbol, although at the time i couldn't think of the word phallic and just called it a giant penis)

there you have it. my thoughts unedited. i wanted to share this bit of post-adolescent emotion for a few reasons. # 1, to keep it real around here. # 2 to express the tremendous amount of energy i expend to leave my house each day. # 3 so that hopefully the next time one of you tells me how good i'm doing you can remember this and allow me to disagree.

i know. i know. i need to be patient with myself. but here's the thing, i'm not such a patient person. so.... i'm doing my best.

in other news. i think i'll get an iphone. the internet and subsequent access to an online thesaurus should allow me to side step anymore awkward mentions of national monuments and genitalia. among other benefits.


  1. I understand your impatience, but you have to try not to turn it into self-deprecation. Beating yourself up won't get you out of the room. (Mentally beating up the particular reasons you're in that room can help a little though.)

    It's not your fault, you know? I know it's cheesy to say, but after all this time, I still don't get it. Everybody always told me not to be a victim, but sometimes, you just are one. Sometimes, it fricken hurts and destroys you. And somehow, for me, understanding that I was a victim and things weren't right and the world is scary and there's nothing you can really do to prevent it (except maybe martial arts self-defense classes), so then I'd kind of feel like living again because even if I was (am) more busted up than before, I'm stronger and a little angrier too...

    But it does take time. And a lot of self-forgiveness (which I think is the hardest part of it all). And having to deal with it in your early 20's is the shits too because everybody knows the 20's are when you lose all your certainty as it is, even without having to cope with things nobody should have to cope with...

  2. (Sorry if some of that is messed up grammatically. I tend to get a little ADD when I'm relating. :D)


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