Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Probably not worth the read; a personal post

I've recently committed myself to sleep without aid... It's part of this whole 'welcome back to the real world' phase I find myself in.

Some nights it's easier than others. Tonight I've got a tired body and a whirring mind; possibly the worst combo as it results in shaking legs and twisted sheets.

So it is, I am lying in bed caught in a web of wants and needs, pasts and futures, memories and movies. Today it took me the whole morning to sort out which bits of my dream have really happened.

I've never been one for details, I choose to exist instead on more of a general picture level. Concepts are better than facts and the way someone made you feel is much more important than how they did it. The numbers, and even the words don't matter so much except to the outsiders... And maybe the cynics.

As a person I hold bits, strange bits. The thing I remember most about my parents divorce is some time I spent huddled under a blanket next a vent with my cat. It's a strangely calm memory, for observation. The thing I remember most about the day of my attack is similar.. I spent the day wrapped but aside. I didn't speak much, just watched... The cops my family my friends swirling all about and... And him. I watched him. I wasn't really there but I was watching and not speaking. From the moment he touched me to many days later I watched my life and did not live it.

I don't love it; living in a mind that can't seem to grasp the present. But such is mortality, and all this babble has got me feeling tired.

And I better call my guardian mom for a bedtime cuddle... Helps to slow the mind and ease you into a sleep where you feel safe.. Also abates the nightmares some
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Bed

4 comments:

  1. Came across your blog and just wanted to say that you are one honest Soul.

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  2. Ah, you tell us the post is not worth reading and it only makes us want to read it all the more. :) Glad I did. I'm proud of you for the tough work you're doing, taking your life back. Love you!

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  3. I hope tonight is easier on the mind...

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  4. have you tried using the lavendar oil? sometimes ill swallow a couple drops or put it on my feet and behind my years, its so lovely for sleeping! mik is obsessed! and its nice because it doesnt make you groggy in the morn, give it a try!

    ReplyDelete

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