Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Evolution

I saw my therapist today, my back stage cheerleader, my inner truth embodied and spoken in a person.

Today we chatted like old friends. Telling stories and reveling in my small and large successes in the last ten and a half months (what a year it's been!).

I remember the first time I sauntered sullenly into his office, mere weeks after being attacked, and sat curled on his couch behaving like an inarticulate teenager with a foul mouth.

He describes that first visit much kinder, saying that I was merely afraid to be alive at that moment, afraid to even breathe. He tells me he could see my light that first day, even though I couldn't.

At one of those early visits I decided to go for the direct attack, asking him blatantly why he would want to work with people like me, people that had been broken down and humiliated the way no one should be. He answered simply that he liked watching people rise from the ashes. ha! I laughed out loud and resigned myself to resolutely die in my flames.

I'm not sure what's happened between now and then... a little of this a little of that, a few highs and some more lowly lows, some major realizations and some slow and painful work I guess... it can't really be attributed to any one thing or person, instead my healing is a smattering of all of it.

My fire did and will continue to shape me (nothin better than a little heat under you to get things happening); I do feel like the phoenix rising from the ashes or the snake shimmying out of used skin. I've evolved. I've shed unnecessary coverings and cleansed as deeply as possible.


maybe it's strange, but I can't say I regret any of the events of this year or any of the past 21, the ones in my control and beyond....

instead i am vastly and unabashedly thankful for them; the vulgar and the improper, the true and the shunned, the small and the earth-shaking.

the moments that make me me.






2 comments:

  1. love this post. love that you found a great guy and love your hair (wink wink!)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Great post. You rock. :)

    It's still a long hard road, but I'm glad you see that you can recover from anything that beats you down.

    ReplyDelete

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