Monday, June 4, 2012

meditations of a bride: part II

(a special song to us)

This is very different than I imagined it might be. The last 6 months have proved interesting in the rapid change and growth in myself and my relationships with others. I find myself in a constant state of movement, which feels really good- it's this perfect combination of peace and excitement.

My bridal shower was beautiful, thanks to three great friends. It was odd, sitting there in a circle with a mixture of friends I've had since elementary school and those I've just recently connected with. Part of the shower was everyone saying how they know me and a memory of me. It ended up being a lot of stories about what a strange little girl I was, which made me smile. Each friend also offered advice to me, things like go to bed mad, respect one another, etc. The most poignant piece of advice came from a new friend of both Isaac and I. She said something like "change together, you will change, but choose to do it together". After the few years I've had I can begin to see the wisdom in this. Isaac and I see eye to eye on so many things, but we're both open to new information and inspiration, so that could change. The important thing is we have committed to loving and sticking with one another no matter what. I will repeat no matter what.

I heard it said beautifully once that you date with your eyes wide open and once you're married, you let them close half way. Isaac and I have striven for complete honesty and transparency and will continue to do so, but it isn't easy, and we have no illusions that it will be.

Anyway, the shower got me thinking that this is more than an event or a celebration, it is a major life transition. I am no longer simply 'me', but part of a 'we'. The transition doesn't happen in one day. It has been happening since Isaac and I met. Each day, each conversation has brought us closer to each other and further from the other "stuff". The thought occurred to me that our wedding will be culmination, the final connection of "us". But no, that's not so. Our wedding, will be the beginning of our marriage, which is eternal as far as I understand the word. I am dedicating my life to this person and this relationship. I can't see what would be more important than that.

Yesterday a unique thing happened in SLC. We weren't able to make it, but many friends did, and here are some articles about it:

Doves and Serpents

The New York Times

The Salt Lake Tribune

Yes, those are Mormons marching in a gay pride event. Cool huh? There message was simple, God loves all. It's strange, but I feel more Mormon now than I did when I was actually going to church, etc. I understand it as my heritage, my upbringing, my tribe. And a good one at that. I feel thankful for many of the experiences I had being raised in the LDS church, truly. Because these are my people, these articles and pictures have had me tearing up for the last day.

It's been on my mind a lot actually. I think I'll spell it out here as I understand it. The Church says that same sex attraction is not wrong, but that acting on it is, because it would be out of wedlock. Yet it takes it a step further because even things like kissing and holding hands that are OK for heterosexual couples in the church, are not for homosexuals. Basically, the Church says no sex before marriage, but it also says gay people can't get married. It used to be that gays were considered perverts (this is not unique to the Church, I should add), then later it was considered that they could be "fixed" with things like reparative therapy and marrying someone of the opposite sex. Turns out that doesn't really work and we have a lot of divorces to prove it (I know this is anecdotal, but that's all I have, as I've never heard one story about someone for whom a situation like this worked out). Now we're to a point where gays are told to live a celibate life. This is what I want to talk about.

The love Isaac and I share, both physically and emotionally, is the most beautiful thing in my entire life, and it makes me really sad that there are those who are told they can never experience that kind of love. It's cruel. It's unfair. And I'm not going to pretend otherwise anymore.

One of the arguments goes that gays should be able to marry, but it shouldn't be called marriage, instead a civil union. So while on paper and in words, Isaac and I are getting married. I secretly think of it as a civil union. If it's all the same, why should it matter so much? ;)

The hardest shift for me has come this last month. I have been sick in some way for the majority of the month and have had to rely on Isaac in a lot of new ways. He's loved me selflessly the entire time; everything from encouragement to medicine runs to carrying me up the stairs. And all this leaning on him has got me thinking just how selfless we both must become in order to succeed in this marriage. This scares me; I'm not sure I'm good enough, I'm not sure I'm selfless enough. But for him, I will try my hardest for the rest of my life to be good enough and selfless enough.

In case you didn't know, Isaac has quite a popular tumblr, and I'm linking to it today because partway down the page he defends me and our marriage and it's got me all teary eyed.

Human Voices. 

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