Thursday, October 4, 2012

Spiritual orgasm

I'm just going to talk about it. Because I want to and this is my blog and so I get to say whatever I want and you get to read it or not read it-pretty great, hey?

I have been diagnosed with pelvic floor dysfunction. What does that mean exactly, you ask? I don't exactly know yet, but for the first time in my adult life I feel like I'm in the hands of a medical expert on my lady parts (not shy about saying ovaries, fallopian tubes, uterus and vagina, just need a quick way to include them all fyi).

I'll back up and try to catch you up: since I began menstruating I have encountered many common difficulties known to those of you who also menstruate. I don't think I'll fill in every blank here because it would be exhausting and too graphic to serve my purpose right now. I'm just trying to tell you that my pelvic floor and all my other woman parts have been through a lot. And it seems the combination of all that and my choices of physical activity (yoga and dance) have landed me with a dysfunctional pelvic floor. I know this because last Saturday at 4 AM, after 1 day of an extremely painful period I woke up to extreme abdominal pain and ended up in the ER. This is not my first experience with what anyone's best guess are ruptured ovarian cysts and so I know the drill. 1) Pain management 2) ultrasound to check for ovarian torsion 3) follow up with OBGYN and deal with it. However, none of my OBGYN's have known what to do, and it's lead to two surgeries, a battery of birth controls and a lot of ER time (and money). Fortunately, with Isaac in Medical School, he was able to get ahold of the name of a specialist in endometriosis (one of my many issues) in Chicago. I met with him Tuesday and like I said before I finally feel like I'm good hands with someone who sees the big picture and can offer me more than a quick fix for any one part of my constellation of symptoms.

Why in the world am I writing about all of this? Because it just seems too perfect that while I am facing some of the most serious specifically female intellectual issues in my life yet, I am also facing an ambiguous and extremely difficult group of specifically female physical issues. But let me take that a step further since some of you have asked: I am also in an incredibly tumultuous time spiritually (which I am not ready to discuss yet, but will certainly address at some point here). I will however detail one experience that I think illuminates all three (intellectual, physical and spiritual) in a culmination of sweaty beauty and elation.

It happened today at the end of a 4 hour workshop with Ashtanga Yoga Teacher Daylene Christensen. After almost a week of narcotics and lying in a bed my body was aching and weak (although the weakness cannot be blamed entirely on this week as my yoga practice has become much more difficult here where I have not truly connected to a teacher yet). My mind was overwhelmed from a pretty bad internet political fight last night where I ended up blocking and reporting someone I don't even know for hate speech against women. I know. I need to cool it. It took two baths and 3 episodes of frivolous television to wind down. And all of this certainly has my pelvic floor spasming more than usual!!! But I was determined to attend this workshop and so I went and I tried. And all my muscles shook and my sweat soaked my yoga mat and my ovaries and vagina seemed to be screaming at me and my heart was  beating so hard I felt like a maniac. And then, at the end, while reciting the benedictory chant ( a chant with which I am only slightly acquainted, something about peace and love for everyone, yay) I nearly cried and the words were feeble and earnest and small, because I had expended the pent up energy in my Self and all that was left was my Self, small and shaking and spent. I sank into savasana and wondered if that's what a spiritual orgasm feels like. I'm a freak, I know. But there it is.

And it's momentous only because I'm allowing it to be. I'm allowing it to help me channel all of this stuff into something that could possible benefit someone else.

and because I know that for someone like me (I'll call myself a passionate person, because it's the nicest way to say what I mean and I'm feeling pretty tender), energy has to go somewhere positive or it will end up destroying Me and those around me very quickly.

That's all. If you're still reading, thank you. Something about making all this public is extremely important to me.

Also, and this is its own post entirely that is currently formulating in my mind, I sure know I married the right person when not only does he not smother my flame, but he ignites it and fuels it and then calms it when it threatens to burn down the village. For you, my lover, my friend, my life partner, Isaac, you temper me and I honestly don't know how I got so lucky.

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