I am missing Provo today. Er... not Provo exactly... but the people I loved there, the sense of community I finally found in adulthood, and the mountains, god I miss the mountains. It's not even like I spent much time in them, but just having them around was somehow very comforting. They were a fence in which I lived inside almost my entire life. It's very flat here.. and very cold and very windy.
Don't get me wrong, I love my life here. Isaac and I are getting to define ourselves anew, create the grounds for our marriage, and grow up together here. That is all well and beautiful. Coming here was a step forward and it's what we both wanted, but we still miss what we had in Utah.
For me, I finally felt like I had a community in Utah, after several years of adulthood and feeling a little lost in the happy valley. Between activism and yoga and poetry, I met the most amazing people, people I value so much. People whose opinions I want to hear on almost everything! (FB comes in handy on this one)
I miss my brother. We still talk on the phone every week and that helps, but I still miss him. His is the one input I always look for. And I miss my Mom. Which is very weird because she and I have had quite a tumultuous relationship the last few years. I think that's just what happens when a mother has a daughter that is so like her.
I miss my yoga studio. 3B yoga is so darn special to me it's actually very hard and emotional for me to talk about. I miss my mentor there, and my friends; those beautiful girls with so much love for life.
Comparing my life here and now to my life in the past in Utah doesn't make much sense, so I'm not going to do that. I've moved forward and that's a good thing. But here's a little gem Isaac told me today. When he left his hometown in Texas, he had many of these same feelings of nostalgia and homesickness. And what he finally realized is that that meant he had a life of value in that place. It's not really the place you miss, it's the person you were there, the life you had.
So maybe my bout of tears today is a good thing, it means I had a good life there. I had relationships and experiences that are worth missing. And really, most of the goodness has come with me, because it lives in me. And the relationships that meant something have and I believe will sustain themselves.
But for today, I am missing Utah.