Thursday, January 9, 2014

Inventory

It's been over a year since I last wrote.


I had begun to think that my husband could replace this blog as an emotional outlet and processing partner. And although he is that, he is also a multidimensional person with emotional needs of his own and so our interactions are to love and care for one another, process together and with the help of one another, but also to process apart and maintain our individual emotional health.

Well I've been feeling really down lately and for no reason that I can obviously find (marriage? working great. job? fulfilling and rewarding. school? going to get through it anyway I can.). My husband and I both suffer from severe depression and it gets harder in these Illinois winters. The sun sets at 4:30 and I'm lucky if I wake before 10. The last three days have been the coldest in decades (-17, windchill factor -52). This is the kind of cold and darkness that feels very oppressive.

And so I think I need this space. This non-judgmental, non-biased, non-responsive place to lay my bits out in order to sort them. I did this physically this week. I got out all our boxes of clothes and junk in the garage and spare room and put them all in one place. Once I could see them all, I easily sorted them. I got rid of most, remembered some, and properly stored the rest.

Then, tonight, I did it with my memories.

In my last post I said something about wanting to get a timeline down. I've been running from that task, moving forward and trying to forget the past. It's good. It's been good. But I have ten days until my life picks up again hardcore and I need some healing time. January always seems to be that for me. Cuddle up and do some self care.

I started tonight with a memory timeline. It turns out that our memories are not as accurate as we believe them to be. They can be influenced by suggestion, current bias, and all other manner of mental stimulus. In any case, it's a useful experiment to consider the trajectory of ones emotional life through the current lens. So I lay in bed tonight next to my sleeping husband and puppy and mapped a timeline from when I was 6 or 7 until today. It's all punctuated with family happenings, the various boys and eventually men that would come in and out of my life, yoga training and teaching experiences, school and my participation in it, various jobs and travel.

This may sound bizarre, but tonight was the first time I had ever done that. I'm not great with this kind of thing. I have to think about it when asked what year I graduated from high school, or got married. Time is just not my thing.

But somehow, mentally sequencing my life tonight felt like the sorting that needed to happen. I allowed myself to feel emotions of certain memories and then move forward. It was like the boxes. Once I had it all out in front of me I could easily get rid of the unnecessary, remember the still relevant and properly store the rest.

I don't know what will happen, but I think I will probably be here more often going forward.






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